Oh what a change

I want to apologize for a few things. I haven't really treated this blog with much care lately. Actually, I pretty much forgot all about it for a while. Granted, I have good reasons for this, that I will explain in a bit, but I'm still sorry. I am also sorry that I am finally writing a post and I don't really have any exciting pictures to entertain you with. I try to put as many pictures in my blog posts as possible because, well, I read blogs and I have the attention span of a two year old, so I personally like a lot of pictures. I just naturally assume that my readers are exactly like me and therefor only come here to look at the goofy pictures. This post is more of a 'here's whats going on, and its not really funny, but if you are curious, read on...if not, skip it...its okay with me' post. So I'm sorry for that, but I promise, my next post will be all silly again and include lots of pictures. I mean, you are spending your valuable time reading this blog...the least I could do is give you something in return.

So, what could I possibly have been up to that took my precious time away from my beloved internet? (In all honesty, I still frequent the internet...its mostly just this blog that I skipped out on). Life. Life happened. And for the first time in a long time, it was a good thing. It took some work, a lot of encouragement (thanks, Shawn), and a little percocet, but things are actually headed in the right direction. Let me start from the beginning.

For many people, there is no question what they want to be when they grow up. When you were four years old you wanted to be a teacher, and you did good in school, went to college, and became a teacher. And you've never looked back. For some, it was a little later, but in high school or college, you found your calling. You became a doctor, a social worker, a ballerina, whatever it may be. You knew what you were meant to do and your heart is honestly happy doing it every day. And those people are the people I am most, most, most jealous of.

When I was little, I wanted to be a teacher, a cop, a doctor, a lawyer, a marine biologist, and a million other things. When I was 13, I wanted to be a chef and applied to the culinary institute in Portland. I cried when I was rejected. When I got to high school, my career ambitions got even bigger and more random. I wanted to be a professional scuba diver, an archaeologist, or a journalist. I graduated and headed to college, my major 'undeclared'.

My first class at a real university was a freshmen seminar course called "The Evolution of Male Aggression". I learned about chimpanzees and ancient tribes and Africa and people that were so much more interesting than me. I was hooked. I decided to be an anthropologist. I wanted to move to South America and study ways of living that were polar opposite of mine. I was happy and interested and felt like I had found my calling. Then I had a meeting with my guidance counselor who explained that most anthropologists don't really get paid. She explained that if I liked having a car and decent clothes and food on the table, I might want to head in a different direction.

That day, I sold out and changed my major to pre-nursing. My mom was the most excited person in the world when she found out I was going to be a nurse. I took two years of pre-requisite classes before I could start the nursing program. In those two years, the only class I truly, truly enjoyed was my elective art class....photography. It was the only class that I never skipped. I looked forward to every single project and couldn't wait to spend hours in the dark room. That class made me realize I had no desire to be a nurse. I quit nursing school.

By that point, I wasn't sure if I could support myself being a photographer so I continued working odd jobs to pay the bills while I figured my life out. I stepped away from school, in hopes of straightening my head out, and instead, fell into a pit. I entered a three year relationship with an amazing man who was most definitely not my soul mate. I, once again, tried to make something work against my better judgement and got even more lost in the mean time. I put my camera in the closet and didn't take it out until I had forgotten how to use it. I went to real estate school simply because it would only take a few months and I could make good money. I had no real desire to be a realtor. Because of this, I made it 2/3 of the way through school before quitting.

I realized (after a long talk with my much smarter sister) that I needed to straighten things up a bit so i broke up with my fiance, got my own apartment, and met Shawn. He encouraged me to go back to real estate school and finish what I had started. A year and a half after I had originally signed up, I returned, passed my tests, and became a licensed Realtor. Not long after, we bought our first place. Things were going so great with Shawn but I just wasn't happy with my career choice. I felt that success in real estate meant I had to change who I was. Realtors are always smiley, with shoulder pads and brief cases. They have big hair and talk to everyone and anyone. I am anti-social and fairly blunt. I don't like speaking to strangers. It didn't seem like a great fit.

Then a few months ago, things changed. Shawn enrolled in school. Here's a guy who had everything against him. He came from a very broken family, dropped out of high school, intended to spend the rest of his life as a bartender. It wasn't until our relationship got really serious that he decided he needed to better his life, and working in a bar wasn't going to do it. He finally started to realize that he had all of this potential and he was wasting it away. He got his GED and enrolled in school. His passion in life has always been cars. He is going to school and plans to become a shop manager at an Audi dealership. He's been in school for 10 weeks, has perfect attendance, a 4.0 GPA, and is thrilled to get up at 5:30 every morning to go to class. It amazes me every day.

His decision to change his life lit some crazy light in my heart. I've had a million career dreams and a ridiculous amount of shitty jobs. I've waited tables, cleaned hospitals, driven shuttle buses, you name it I've done it. I've taken THE MOST random classes in every possible subject. None of these things shed even the slightest light on what I wanted to be when I grew up. And here I was, 26 years old...grown up.

And then it hit me. Throughout my life and all my changes of mind, there was one constant. One thing that was always a given. One thing that sparked a raging fire in my heart. I've known since I was a little girl that when I grew up I wanted to be a mom. I've always known that was the one thing I was MEANT to do, but I was always searching for my dream career...as if those two things weren't one and the same. In the last few months, I have finally realized that I was in fact one of those people who knew, from day one, what they wanted to be when they grew up. It just happened to be a passion that many people disregard as something less. While you may want to be a doctor or a lawyer, all I really want to be is a mom.

And so we get to the present. This little realization of mine has changed my life. I've had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I realize that my life is a little too messy and I have far too much stress, not to mention debt, right now to raise a child the way I want, so I'm working on fixing these things. I went back to my real estate company and told my mentor that I was going to give it everything I have for the next two years. By that point, I will have all of my debt paid off, and more importantly, I will know if real estate is something I want to continue doing. Its not a life long commitment, its just a commitment to well, commitment. I commit to this for two years and that's awesome. It takes away the stress. I don't have to sell out. I don't have to change who I am. I've stayed true to myself, just with a little more drive, and in no time, I had my first client, and am heading to my first closing in a few weeks. Today, my client asked for a stack of business cards because he is recommending me to all of his friends. And I didn't even have to wear shoulder pads.

On the health side, I took a good look at myself and realize that the odds are against me physically having children and living long enough to see them grow into amazing adults. No matter how many times I've tried to hide or deny it, I've got numerous cancers looming over my head, not to mention other reproductive issues, oh and did I mention I'm still waiting tables part time...in a smoking lounge? Yeah that's not good for me either. So I've revamped the way I treat my body. I'm eating a ton of food...that is super good for me. I gave up the fast food, the red meat, the white bread, and pretty much all dairy. I've lost 12.5 lbs in 6 weeks. I feel a ton better about myself and I really feel like I'm giving myself a fighting chance. I've spent my whole life trying to find a path, a purpose, and now that I've found it, I refuse to be defeated by some genetic bull shit. I'm gonna kick the shit out of those crappy odds.

So here I am, 26 years old. Truly happy for the first time in a long, long time. I have a great man by my side encouraging me every single day. I have a new career path that surprisingly allows me to be me, with the hours and clients I choose, and good money....that part is nice too. And I have a future, a good one. One that will someday be filled with an adorable baby and a wonderful husband and ridiculous amounts of joy. I've dusted off my old camera and remembered why I loved it so much. I plan on taking more photography classes because now I realize you can take classes simply for fun, and not always for a future job. And I'm already planning the amazing trips to South America and Africa, where I can meet amazing people, simply because I want to.

And that's that. Quite possibly the most ridiculously cheesy post I have ever written and I am so, so okay with that. Thanks to the very few of you who actually read through this entire long ass thing. It means more to me than you could know.